"You never stop missing them... You just learn to miss them in a different way."

So, tonight I was having a sweet little moment with Ezekiel while putting him to sleep. We read books, said our prayers (to which he repeated family members name after me) and sang our good night song. As we did all this he was cuddling this stuffed dog named Mr. Scooter. For those of you who are very close to me you know exactly who Mr. Scooter is... He was a stuffed animal that ReAnna gave me for my 17th birthday.

For those of you who do not know, ReAnna was my very best friend growing up. We knew each other our whole lives and as we grew we became closer and closer. We were two peas in a pod... Ethel and Lucy. :) ReAnna graduated the year before me and for the first time I found myself going to school with out her and sometimes even going to church with out her too. It was the first time that we were not constantly attached at the hip... This was hard for me to be the one left behind. In September of my Senior year my Dad got very sick and developed diabetes. The whole ordeal was very tough on my whole family... I struggled with that a lot... But nothing could have prepared me for that November.
I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. When I really think about it hard it's like I am thrown back into that exact moment. The feeling of your breath getting knocked out of you, someone just pulled the rug out from under you and shattered your whole world. Te person who was given the unpleasant job of telling me that my very best friend had passed away that afternoon in a car accident was my mother. I was babysitting and heard a knock at the door... It was my mom. I knew instantly that someone had died... I could see it in her face... Sadness, horror, sympathy, pain,. Then she told me... I couldn't wrap my head around it. That moment was one of the hardest things I have ever experience in my life... And learning how to deal with it from that moment on.
November will be 9 years... 9 years! It's hard to believe. Since then I have healed, grown, changed and from all of it been given a great amount of empathy for anyone who loses a loved one. I no longer cry for the whole month of November or dread the date March 30th... And I don't buy every card that reminds me of ReAnna. I am able to think of her and smile and to talk about her life and share our memories with great joy. It is amazing how with time and the grace of God all of this can change.
 I remember talking with ReAnna's mom a few years after ReAnna had passed away. We were talking about someone else who had lost a loved who and the pain they were going through. I will never forget what she said to me and have shared it with others since... "We never stop missing them... We just learn to miss them in a different way." Such true and powerful words to me... I admired her so much for saying that and feeling that. Now LaVonda is gone too and I miss her everyday too, but learn to miss her in a different way... In a way that doesn't break my heart every time I think about them. In a way that I can cherish and appreciate every memory we had together.

I shared all this for a couple of reasons...
1. I think it is kind of healing for me to be able to share my story with others. Whether you've heard it before and were even there with me or this is the very first time you've heard... It helps to share.
But the main reason was because of what happened tonight. I don't often cry anymore when I think about ReAnna... I am usually happy to reminisce of our times together. However, when Ezekiel was holding that dog tonight I began to share with him the origin of the dog. I said, "Do you know the dogs name? His name is Mr. Scooter." He said in his cute little 2 year old voice, "Mr. Scooter!" I giggled and said, "Yep, Mr. Scooter. My very best friend ReAnna gave me that dog for my birthday. Can you say ReAnna?" He tried his hardest and said, "Anna." The moment he said it my heart was instantly sad, my eye filled with tears and the overwhelming feeling of lose and longing came over me again. I have not felt that in so long. It made my heart so sad to think that she would never know my sweet boys and they would never know their "Aunt Anna" (which I am sure they would have called her. :)).
It's not like I haven't thought of this before. Of course when I had Ezekiel I thought of how my best friend wouldn't be there and when I found out I was pregnant with Luke it was on November 15th, 7 years to the day after ReAnna passed away. But for some reason... Actually hearing my sweet 2 year try to say her name made it hit home for me. It breaks my heart that they will not know her and she could not know them... But I am sure they will hear our crazy stories and see all of our many photos. Tonight I was just reminded, once again, how very much I miss my dear friend. We truly will never stop missing them... We just learn to miss them in a different way. In a way that we can move on with life, be happy... And in a way that honors them and God.

ReAnna and Me with little brother :)

 

One of my favorites of us! One year for Christmas we gave each other identical  picture frames with THIS photo in it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Us being Us

We have a million pictures just like this :)

I am thankful for my family and friends who have helped me through this journey of healing and growing... And I am thankful for a God that loves me, protects me, guides me and blesses me beyond what I even deserve.